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March 27, 2013

lampsAt first, all Hannah saw was light.

She had been in the dark, sightless and dizzy, for so long. It entered through her eyes and hurt her to the core. She was lying, on a sofa, facing the bright, bright lights.

Things came into focus: two lights, a table, a kitchen sink… But nothing familiar, nothing that offered hope.

She reached into her mind, and remembered – something like a hospital. Kidnap! But that was… before… and then – the hospital… it was very confusing.

“You’re awake?” A man! She cowered.

“Don’t worry, Mum,” he said, gently. “You’re home now. Safe home.”

[Friday Fictioneers]

For those asking – there will be a sequel – and in the meantimeย – here is a prequel!

43 Comments leave one →
  1. March 27, 2013 10:44 pm

    A nice story.

    • March 27, 2013 10:49 pm

      Thank you! ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. March 27, 2013 11:43 pm

    I like what you did with this. I’m not thrilled with this sentence, though: “It entered through her eyes and hurt her to the core.” All your readers will know light enters through her eyes and “hurt her to the core” doesn’t seem like the best description for the hurt from the bright light. “The light seemed to pierce through her eyes into the center of her brain” (just a quick idea) might be more what would happen. I felt as though the way you showed her thinking was the way a disoriented older person might think.


    • March 28, 2013 3:37 pm

      Thanks for the feedback – appreciate your thoughts and will definitely give that some consideration!

    • March 28, 2013 10:30 pm

      After some thought… I agree the sentence is weak. I was trying to get across a pain that was more than just in her eyes / brain. I think if writing it again I might try: “It pierced her eyes and stabbed right down to her guts.” Thanks again x

  3. March 28, 2013 1:40 am

    Loved what you did with this prompt. Creative and wonderfully told.

    • March 28, 2013 3:37 pm

      Thank you!

  4. March 28, 2013 2:59 am

    That last sentence was a life saver for Hannah. Good read.

    • March 28, 2013 3:39 pm

      Thanks. I think Hannah might get a sequel. She’s got more to say, she tells me…

  5. March 28, 2013 8:40 am

    I like how you’ve written about her confusion – I was expecting a completely different story.

    • March 28, 2013 3:40 pm

      Thanks! To be honest, I was expecting a different story when I set out LOL

  6. March 28, 2013 5:19 pm

    But is it really that man who he claims to be?

    • March 28, 2013 8:09 pm

      Good question! You have anticipated the sequel, perhaps ๐Ÿ˜‰

  7. March 28, 2013 6:27 pm

    You got me with the ending…so nice to see she is home. Or so we think!

    Nice work.


    • March 28, 2013 8:10 pm

      Thanks for coming over to read and comment – glad you liked it!

  8. March 28, 2013 9:10 pm

    Good story! The ending is ambivalent, makes us want more.

    • March 28, 2013 9:16 pm

      Thanks! I think I’ve got more to say about Hannah, so watch this space!!

  9. March 28, 2013 9:49 pm

    Well, I read the story and the comments but you are not giving much away! C’mon, you can’t leave us hanging, is he really her son? Does she have dementia? Will she be back next week? Good story. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • March 28, 2013 10:13 pm

      Don’t worry she’ll be back!!
      Glad you enjoyed the story ๐Ÿ™‚

  10. March 28, 2013 10:19 pm

    Dear Ariadne,
    You definitely left room for more story. I wonder if the man is really her son or it’s a rouse. Is she just a befuddled old woman with dementia or has she been kidnapped.
    Nice one.

    • March 28, 2013 10:22 pm

      Yes, and I’m not sure if I can wait until next week to write the next instalment!

  11. March 29, 2013 3:06 am

    Nice story. There seem to be many different directions you can go in the next chapter. Can’t wait to see what you come up with!

    • March 29, 2013 8:19 am

      Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚

  12. March 29, 2013 9:57 am

    I think you have left us waiting for the next instalment
    Well done

    • March 29, 2013 11:10 am

      Thanks for coming over to read and comment!

      • March 29, 2013 11:12 am

        My pleasure ๐Ÿ™‚

  13. March 29, 2013 10:49 am

    You captured shock and trauma beautifully in this. It does happen that sometimes we wake up half in dream and half in reality of long gone past still trying to make sense of what’s relevant now. It’s not easy to write about it. You did that very well!

    • March 29, 2013 11:13 am

      Wow, thank you very much! ๐Ÿ™‚

  14. March 29, 2013 1:38 pm

    Wow you managed to stuff so much in the limited palette of words you used. I feel a powerful sympathy for the main character. I am so glad she got words of reassurance at the end.

    • March 29, 2013 9:00 pm

      Thank you! I can’t help feeling tenderness for Hannah, too.

  15. March 29, 2013 3:55 pm

    This is very poignant for me, since I took it as she is really in the hospital with her real son. My grandmother kept thinking she was in prison when she first had to move to the nursing home.

    • March 29, 2013 8:58 pm

      How awful for your grandmother. I hope she settled in after a while. x

      • March 30, 2013 1:11 am

        Well, I think when dementia slowly steals your life from you, even fear is taken after a while.

  16. March 29, 2013 6:59 pm

    I like that the reader is kept in confusion for most of the story — to follow the mindset of the narrator. And what a tender last line. A breath of relief.

    • March 29, 2013 8:57 pm

      Thank you, that’s pretty much what I was going for, glad it worked for you!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  17. March 29, 2013 9:47 pm

    I was afraid for her and so happy she’s his mum (if it goes that way!) Well done.

    • March 29, 2013 10:25 pm

      Thank you!

  18. petrujviljoen permalink
    March 30, 2013 8:16 am

    Her acute confusion and fear is captured in ‘It’s a man!” Don’t want to imagine what happened to her. And then the comfort of it’s her son. Hoping to get the next episode.

    • March 30, 2013 8:33 am

      Thanks for stopping by to read and comment ๐Ÿ™‚

  19. March 30, 2013 7:09 pm

    HI Ariadne,
    Excellent description of someone emerging from a trauma and you gave us the safe haven on a happy ending. Well done. Ron

    • March 30, 2013 9:39 pm

      Thanks – glad you liked it!

  20. March 31, 2013 10:09 am

    Well conceived, well constructed tale.
    Loved it.

    • March 31, 2013 7:44 pm

      Thanks!! ๐Ÿ™‚

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